It’s Wednesday 20:10 as I find enough time to pen these lines for the post of the week and my eyes are aching from the tears shed today. It’s no secret, because I have written about my father in the blog many times before, that he has been very ill for some months already. And for the past few weeks my major concern has been not being able to see my father again alive due to the Covid-19. The hygienic measures do not allow visitors to the place my dad was living in, so I had to trust he would be fine where he was.
My fahter’s condition got worse again so he was taken back to hospital. I don’t know why but it had never crossed my mind that my father could get Covid-19, which is why when the doctors told me they would test whether he was positive or not, I was completely confident he would not have it. However, yesterday I was informed he is Covid-19 positive. An immediate stream of thoughts blurred my emotions for a second. Would he be isolated somewhere? Was he in pain? Did all the other diseases allow him to understand what was going on?
The most terrible thing about this virus is that a lot of old people lose contact with their beloved ones because it is dangerous for everybody to be exposed to it. All of a sudden, I felt the grief of my recent fears punching me so hard I could physically feel the pain. The best thing to do in these occasions is not to hold back tears and let emotions go.
Amid this nightmare called Covid-19 emergency, I thought it would be impossible to go see my father again to bid him farewell. But then my father’s doctor phoned me and told me close relatives are offered the chance to see their beloved ones for a last time. I didn’t need any reflection time and my answer was clear and straight: I would go.
Apparently they let sons and daughters be with the patients in the room until they die but of course that is a greater risk for the visitor than just paying a visit to get out of one’s chest, what one has always wanted to say.
I am glad I have had all these months with my father since he first was in hospital in November. They have given me the chance to prove him I love him and care for him, and they have given him the chance to tell me also, what he had not told me before.
Sometimes life plays fair on us and I have to say if it allows me to be there for very last time, I will be happy with mine for a while. It’s bad he got ill in such a terrible moment but it’s good I have been given the chance to show him I care.
And life has been more than generous with me because I have met a boyfriend who is sensitive enough to understand I want to see my father to tell him goodbye. My visit tomorrow means “prison for him as well” and the risk of getting the disease no matter how careful I am tomorrow.
It will be a strange feeling to be riding my bike in the rain tomorrow — it will be raining all day— knowing I will not be able to go to the street for a fortnight. I guess I might call that “real confinement experience” after that. At least I will have had the chance to get used to it gradually and I have the absolute advantage of having a lot of work to do for the school, so it won’t be boring to me.
This week has been so far successful because I have already started teaching online via zoom. Seeing my students again or listening to their voices has made happier than I thought. I reckon some groups seem a bunch of gremlins after having eaten a post-midnight meal, but I have missed them pretty much. To my astonishment most students hand in tasks more or less on time and participate in the classes quite actively, indeed an obvious sign of how awfully boring the confinement is.
If things go on this way, I will probably end up teaching my students and their parents too. In some sessions I have already had the pleasure to see some of my students’ moms getting in and out of my learners’ rooms.
We have to thank the holy technique for advances such as choosing a virtual background so that those “familiar moments” are hidden from the other viewers.
On the one hand teaching via internet seems cold and distant but the truth is students become more relaxed through it. Some simply switch on the camera while still having breakfast which makes me think I should find some time to write a guide on “videoconference learning manners”. The most interesting image was one of my students drinking water out of a hello kitty glass. Not very “male” but I know we want to do away with gender stereotypes so I didn’t’ mention it.
I have chosen to show them my real “office” cause I think it’s personal but neat and professional enough to make them feel I am not being extra distant with them. Interestingly enough, we have all become closer and more human the further away we are to each other. I have not changed my mind in the least about it!
The post today is short. It’s 21:00 I am tired of the stream of thoughts I am having, tired of thinking I have to be careful tomorrow and tired of the inevitable fear of losing my father. I say inevitable, because it has never been so imminent as now.
If everything goes well, I will be writing about my hospital experience next week and about the way I feel and how confinement is going in a small but cosy apartment like mine. Maybe I can come up with an idea for you about how to make your confinement more enjoyable in the case you ever happen to be forced to endure one!
Till next Thursday I hope!